Compersion Doesn’t Come Naturally for Everyone — And That’s Okay

Compersion Doesn’t Come Naturally for Everyone — And That’s Okay

Couples Therapy | Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) | Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) | Polyamory | Open Relationships

If you’re exploring an open or polyamorous relationship, you might’ve heard of compersion. It’s a feeling that’s often described as the opposite of jealousy: feeling genuine happiness about your partner’s connection with someone else. In many non-monogamous communities, it’s treated as the gold standard.

But what if you don’t feel it? What if you feel anxious, left out, or just neutral? You’re not doing non-monogamy wrong. Here’s what the research says, and why jealousy and compersion aren’t as opposite as they sound.

What Is Compersion?

Compersion is the satisfaction or pleasure someone feels from knowing or imagining that their romantic partner is emotionally or sexually involved with another person. Flicker et al. (2021) developed the first validated scale to measure it. The scale captures three parts: 1) happiness about a partner’s relationship with an established metamour, 2) excitement about a partner’s potential new connections, and 3) sexual arousal at the thought of a partner with someone else (a metamour is your partner’s other partner.) (Dolan, 2021).

In other words, compersion isn’t one feeling. It’s a cluster of experiences, and you may feel some of them but not others.

Why Compersion Can Feel Hard

Many of us were raised with strong cultural messages that your partner’s romantic or sexual interest in someone else is a threat to your relationship. Conley et al. (2013) documented how monogamy is held up as the “superior” relationship style, while consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships are often stigmatized. Unlearning that conditioning takes time, even when you’ve chosen non-monogamy with clear intention.

Compersion also isn’t a personality trait you either have or lack. In a qualitative study, Flicker et al. (2022) examined what helps and hinders it. The factors most often named as helpful included a stable sense of self-worth, feeling secure and having one’s needs met in the relationship, open communication, and genuine positive regard for the metamour. Compersion appears to grow from the conditions of a relationship, not from willpower.

Jealousy and Compersion Can Coexist

One of the most reassuring findings is that these emotions aren’t opposites. Balzarini et al. (2021) studied 3,530 polyamorous and 1,358 monogamous people. Their work indicates that compersion and jealousy are not opposing constructs, even though they have often been treated that way in theory and research. You can feel a flash of jealousy and a warm happiness for your partner in the same week, or even the same moment. Both can and do exist at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with that.

This matters because many people read their jealousy as proof that they “can’t handle” non-monogamy. Jealousy is often useful information about an unmet need, such as reassurance, time, or clarity about expectations. It’s not a verdict on your relationship.

Practical Ways to Build Toward Compersion

Based on the research above, these are good starting points:

1. Strengthen Your Own Foundation

Because self-worth and felt security appear to support compersion (Flicker et al., 2022), working on your own sense of value matters as much as any relationship agreement.

2. Communicate Needs Directly

Open communication was another facilitating factor (Flicker et al., 2022). Name what you need, whether that’s a check-in, a scheduled date night, or a boundary around certain details.

3. Get to Know Your Metamour (If You Both Want To)

Positive regard for a partner’s other partner was linked to compersion (Flicker et al., 2022). Connection can help, but it should never be forced.

4. Let Go of the “Should”

Compersion is a possible outcome, not a requirement. Feeling neutral, curious, or occasionally uncomfortable doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.

How Therapy Can Help

Navigating these emotions is easier with someone who understands them. At mindfulSF, our San Francisco-based therapists offer in-person and telehealth couples therapy and individual counseling across California. We use evidence-based approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which helps you make room for difficult emotions like jealousy while moving toward the relationships and values that matter to you.

Whether you’re curious about opening your relationship, already navigating polyamory, or simply feeling stuck with jealousy, we offer a nonjudgmental space to sort through it.

Ready to talk it through? Contact us to schedule a consultation with a therapist serving San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley, and the greater Bay Area.

References

Balzarini, R. N., McDonald, J. N., Kohut, T., Lehmiller, J. J., Holmes, B. M., Harman, J. J., & Moors, A. C. (2021). Compersion: When jealousy-inducing situations don’t (just) induce jealousy. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1311–1324. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01853-1

Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier? Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13(1), 1–30. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1530-2415.2012.01286.x

Dolan, E. W. (2021, September 5). Psychologists have created a new tool to measure the phenomenon called compersion. PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/2021/09/psychologists-have-created-a-new-tool-to-measure-the-phenomenon-called-compersion-61822

Flicker, S. M., Thouin-Savard, M. I., & Vaughan, M. D. (2022). Factors that facilitate and hinder the experience of compersion among individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 3035–3048. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02333-4

Flicker, S. M., Vaughan, M. D., & Meyers, L. S. (2021). Feeling good about your partners’ relationships: Compersion in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1569–1585. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-01985-y

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